White satin
by darkmoore05
Summary: It was Gil's worst nightmare... GilNick, surprise, spoilers for Stalker and Grave Danger


**Title:** White satin  
**Author:** darkmoore  
**Pairing:** Gil/Nick

**Rating:** R  
**Summary:** It was Gil's worst nightmare…

**Warnings:** Angst, surprise, sexual situation, swearing…

**Beta: **Elmyraemilie  
**Author's Notes: I trust you to take Gil's advice and 'follow the evidence' with this story. Don't get fooled by me. To be fair I will give you a hint…. My warnings are accurate, this means, if a warning isn't there.. then it wasn't necessary… This is all I will say.**

**Disclaimer** I don't own them, I am just playing with them and will return them unharmed – promise!

**Special thanks go to Elmyraemlilie and Lady Jane. Without them this story wouldn't exist.**

Grissom stared down into the open casket and felt his whole world shatter into tiny pieces. This was really happening. Nicky, his Nicky, the only person who mattered in his whole life was lying there in front of him, dead, about to be buried _again_.

Gil had to restrain himself not to run from the room just then, to flee from the coffin that held the man who had been his future, his life, his _everything_.

They had done a good job, covering up the bites of the ants that had brought him death in the end. Anaphylactic shock – his face, his throat, swollen so much he couldn't breathe any more, and he had died, suffocated before the team could reach him. He looked at least content, lying there on the white satin. 'Not as peaceful as he looked sleeping beside me,' Gil thought, and the memory hurt more than he ever could have imagined.

How he longed to take Nick in his arms, cradle him and hold him and never let him go again, protect him from the world that always seemed to have the worst in store for him. But it was too late – they had been too late. Too late to rescue a man who had wanted nothing more than to do his job the best he could. _He_ had been too late to rescue the man he loved more than anything else.

'It should be me lying there,' Gil thought, throwing a last glance into the casket in front of him and then finally turning away.

ooOoo

Gil didn't know how he had managed to get home. The events of the day had all melted together into a foggy haze that merely passed him by. All he knew was that he somehow ended up in their living room...his living room now. As he stood in the center, he felt more lost and alone than he could ever remember having felt. Before his relationship with Nicky, he had always enjoyed the peace and solitude his home provided; now the room just mocked him with what he had lost.

There were reminders of Nick everywhere. They gave it the warm, "lived in" character his home never possessed before. A rodeo trophy on the shelf beside forensic books, a dark blue sweater in one corner of the couch, one of Nicky's CDs on the table – it all looked like he had just left the room and would be back any moment. It hurt so much to just look at this room, Gil couldn't imagine ever setting foot in their…his bedroom again. The place where only one short week ago Nicky had been cuddled up beside him, sleeping peacefully.

Cautiously, Gil moved a little closer to the couch. He would sleep out here for the night. He just wasn't ready to face the bedroom yet. Gil sank down onto the cushions, but kept his eyes averted from the blue sweater at all costs. He didn't dare touch the fabric; it would remind him even more of Nicky. Unable to decide what to do next, Gil just sat there for a few moments, trying to ignore the burning loss in his chest – he was sure he'd go crazy before the night was through. 'I should have stayed in that hotel room a little longer,' he thought, but he couldn't bring himself to get up and leave the house. His body felt too heavy; every movement required too much energy, energy he just didn't have. It was as if on that day, a part of himself had died along with Nick. Gil wished he could go to sleep, slip away, stop thinking, but he was denied. So he just sat there for a long while staring into the room with unseeing eyes, his mind somewhere between soul-wrenching pain and denial.

The silence was heavy. In an attempt to chase the empty feeling of the room away, Gil mindlessly reached for the remote and switched on the TV. The Discovery Channel – Nicky and he had spent countless hours cuddled together on the couch watching one documentary or the other. Pizza, beer and a nice, quiet evening at home with the man you love – what more could one wish for?

Something on the screen drew Gil's attention to the show currently running. There was a beautiful Hyacinth Macaw leaning down to a set of eggs, one little bird just recently hatched. The sight of the bird and the eggs stirred a memory in Gil and at the next moment it was like the room around Gil dissolved and he found himself in another place at another time - Blackstone Aviary, California. Right before he and Nicky had kissed for the first time. The memory was so strong, so vivid, he almost could reach out and touch Nick.

Nick looked like a little kid in a candy store and Gil knew he had made the right decision when he convinced him to come to the Blackstone Aviary. Nicky loved birds and this place was exactly what he needed to be able to forget the things that had happened to him over the past few days. The Aviary they were visiting was owned by a couple of old friends of Gil's and usually it was not open to the public. For Gil, however, they had of course made an exception, when he had asked if he could come visit and bring a friend.

Convincing Nick to go on vacation with him had been a very difficult thing to do. After Crane had been arrested and Nick had been to the hospital for the second time that night, the doctor had insisted he couldn't stay alone since the wrestle with Crane had worsened his concussion. Going back to Nick's house was out of question because it was totally clear that – crime scene or not – he would never feel safe enough to stay there again. Nick had also made it perfectly clear that he didn't plan on ever wearing any of his clothes again, since he didn't know which ones Nigel Crane had worn. Which left him homeless, with only the clothes on his back.

Taking the opportunity when it occurred, Gil offered to take Nick home with him so he'd have a place to stay. He even promised to go shopping for new clothes with him the next day. Of course Nick tried to argue, saying that he could stay at a hotel on his own just fine, but Gil would have none of it. He stated flatly that Nick would stay with him whether he liked it or not. The only question would be if he could convince him to come over to Gil's place or if they really had to camp out at a hotel room together. In the end, Nick had surrendered and allowed Gil to take him to his house. From that point on, getting Nick to agree to the vacation had been just a matter of patience.

Gil Grissom could be a very patient man if it was worth it; finally winning over the man he loved definitely belonged to that category. After coming so close to losing Nick to that psychopath, Gil had sworn to himself he would do whatever it would take to at least have a chance at being happy with Nick.

So here they were, standing in the nursery of the aviary, watching the recently hatched Hyacinth Macaws. Nick had such wonder in his eyes, a joy Gil had not seen in him for a long time now, that it was hard not to stare.

"Gil, do you see that?" he asked, turning around to look at his friend. The excitement and happiness he felt were audible in his voice. "This baby is only a few hours old and yet it's … perfect. It doesn't even look like it ever fit in that egg any more. Isn't that just amazing?"

"Yes, amazing." Gil agreed, but he wasn't talking about the little bird. His eyes were on Nicks lips that were just too kissable. The sparkle in Nick's eyes and his relative closeness were doing dangerous things to Gil's body – inappropriate things. His skin tingled even though they had not touched.

Gil knew he should take it slow, be patient, let Nick get used to spending more private time with him. Maybe they could go on a date some day, do things together like other couples did, let Nick set the pace. 'That would require that you actually tell him you are interested,' Gil's inner voice reminded.

"Nicky, I," Gil began, determined to not waste the opportunity, but he broke off when he saw the look on the other man's face. Something had changed, something important. Nick was watching him in the same way Gil had watched him a moment ago. Nick wasn't one of the best investigators he had for nothing. His instinct and his talent for reading people was incredible – and right now quite dangerous for Gil. Nick would probably make the correct deduction, and Gil wasn't so sure if that was a good thing. He didn't like it when he lost control over the situation, but that was exactly what was happening now. Nick had easily enough caught on the change in Gil's mood – the prey had suddenly turned into the predator and all Gil could do was stare.

"Tell me," Nick began, moving slowly into Gil's personal space, those brown eyes never leaving his face, "are you going to stare at my mouth all day, or do you think you'll manage to kiss me sometime soon? I'd hate to think it will take you another two years to make a move on me. I'm really not sure I can be patient much longer." There was amusement in the husky voice as Nick closed the space between them, pressing his clearly aroused body against Gil.

Shock and surprise were raging through Gil, but were replaced quickly by an overwhelming desire to taste and explore. With a low growl, Gil cupped Nick's neck, bringing them even closer together, claiming his lover's lips in a passionate kiss.

The world around him began to spin and a moment later Gil found himself alone on the couch in his empty house. Nick's warm lips that he had just felt on his own were gone, and with him the happiness and peace Gil had felt. He was left with a room that held no comfort but the lingering presence of the love he and Nick had shared. Sobbing helplessly, Gil pressed his palms against his eyes to stop the tears that were threatening to fall.

"Damn you, Gordon," he whispered, cursing the man who had managed to take Nicky from him.

_Are you two close?_ came a question right beside his ear and Gil dropped his hands from his eyes, startled. Where had that come from? Walter Gordon was dead, had blown himself up, he couldn't be here, tormenting Gil still more.

_Are you two close?_ was the question asked again, no one in sight, and something inside Gil snapped. So he was going insane, fine, who cared? "He is my world, you bastard!" Gil yelled into the empty room, giving the answer he'd longed to give the first time around. He hoped the voice would stop now, but was disappointed.

_What does Nick Stokes mean to you? How do you feel when you see him in that coffin? Does your soul die every time you push that button? How do you feel, knowing that there's nothing you can do to get him out of that hell? Helpless ... useless ... impotent?_

"Leave me alone!" Gil sobbed out, pressing his hands to his ears now to stop the words that hurt so much. "Don't you have enough already? You took him from me – are you satisfied now? Leave me alone, you fucking bastard!" In a rush Gil grabbed the blue sweater he had avoided earlier and buried his face in the soft fabric. It smelled of Nick and love and happier days. Gil fought hard to hold the grief at bay that threatened to overwhelm him completely, focussing on the peaceful feelings Nick's scent evoked in him.

Time seemed to lose importance, stretching and then snapping like a rubber band, and once more Gil found himself drawn into a memory of Nick.

Gil didn't know how or when he had gotten there, but somehow he found himself in their bedroom. Sprawled out in front of him on the bed was a very naked Nick, eyes dark from arousal, fisting his own erect cock. He looked like sin personified and Gil couldn't help the gasp that escaped his suddenly too dry throat. A wave of arousal rushed through his body, overwhelming desire coiling in the pit of his stomach. It was as if all coherent thoughts fled him at the sight of this gorgeous man in front of him. Nick was lying on the white satin sheets he had just bought the previous day. Beside him on the bedside table were black silk ropes and a black satin blindfold.

Gil grinned when he realized what Nicky was doing. His lover was playing out one of his fantasies – a fantasy Gil was more than familiar with. He groaned, when Nick smiled a seductive smile and sped up the movements of his own hand. Mesmerized by the sight of his lover pleasuring himself, Gil couldn't help but touch his own, aching cock for a second. Just a short squeeze through the too tight trousers – it wouldn't do for him to become overexcited. After all they had a long night…or well, _day_ ahead of them. This was going to be one hell of a ride.

Gil tried to focus on the show his lover was giving him and of course on his part in Nick's little fantasy. He wouldn't want to ruin the fun for the man he loved, who had worked so hard to make this happen. Nick had always said that one day he would get white silk sheets and some other equipment and then he would offer himself up to Gil as the proverbial sacrificial lamb to do with as he pleased. He had teased Gil mercilessly with images of how he would willingly submit to his every wish and let him be in control completely. Gil's breath hitched in anticipation at the sight before him.

Moving closer to the bed, he watched as Nick still leisurely stroked his cock. "You started without me." Gil chided, aiming for his 'supervisor' tone. He knew Nick loved his voice and sometimes even provoked one of his many lectures at work. Slowly, Gil started to unbutton his own shirt.

"You were taking too damn long." Nick complained, voice husky with arousal.

Slipping his shirt off his shoulders, Gil decided to take control. "I'm here now and I want you to stop touching yourself right now. This cock of yours is _mine_ and you will not touch yourself again without my explicit permission, is that understood?" Gil asked enjoying the subtle change in Nicks body language. He was yielding to him; good. Somehow direct orders never failed to work with Nick – at least in bed.

"Of course, Gil, as you wish." Nick answered dutifully, letting his hands fall from his throbbing erection and leaning over to take the silk cords from the nightstand. He lifted himself on all fours, crawling over the bed in Gil's direction and placed the cords at the foot of the bed, right in front of where Gil was standing. Kneeling on the bed with a mischievous smile, he folded his hands in front of his chest and let himself fall on his back on the white satin sheets. He raised his still folded hands a little, indicating his wrists. "Why don't you bind them to make sure I obey your orders, Gil?"

Nick's hands sunk to his chest again and he closed his eyes, as Gil watched in pure horror as the bed with the white satin sheets turned into the bedding of the casket Nick had been lying in earlier that morning. His lips took on a bluish tinge and his features looked waxen.

Gil was standing in front of Nick's open coffin again and this time, he screamed…

"NO… Nicky, NO…please…please no…please don't leave me…please…" Gil sobbed, heartbroken.

"_Gil? Wake up, love, you're dreaming…_ The sleepy voice of Nick Stokes brought Gil back to reality. He sat upright in his bed, the white satin sheets they had slept in clinging to his sweaty chest like a clammy second skin. Beside him, his lover stirred, finally opening his eyes to look at him.

"Nicky?" Gil asked disbelievingly, reaching out to stoke his partner's cheek in the almost completely black room. He could barely see the small smile that crept over the younger man's face at the caress.

"Yeah, Gil, it's really me. Had a rough dream?" Nick asked sleepily

Gil only nodded, still caught somewhere between the lingering pain of the nightmare and the soothing presence of his partner. Nick sensed what was going on and opened his arms in an inviting gesture, "I'm still here with you and I'm not going anywhere." He promised in a low voice, welcoming Gil into his embrace.

When they were settled comfortably, Nick spooned behind Gil, rubbing small comforting circles on his partner's chest, Nick asked, "What did you dream this time, love?"

Gil took a deep breath and answered, "I saw you, in an open casket, dead, on white satin. The ant bites had killed you. Then I was here, in our home, alone, and I realized that I didn't know how to go on without you in my life. I couldn't stand to lose you." Gil admitted in a small voice.

Familiar with this kind of feeling, Nick didn't comment on Gil's statement of not knowing how to live without him. Instead, Nick pressed a tender kiss on the damp skin of Gil's neck and whispered, "You haven't lost me, Gil, and I don't plan on ever leaving you, either. You're stuck with me until you kick me out."

"Not going to happen." Gil replied and relaxed a bit, melting into the warm, very alive body that was pressing against him.

"Good," Nick purred and after a moment of silence asked, "What do you think brought this on after all this time? I thought the counselling had helped…"

"It did help, Nicky, never doubt that. We both would be faring much worse without the therapy. But our mind is a tricky thing and sometimes old fears are not as far a way as we wished they were. A lot of things can trigger memories, Nicky, you know that. I think what brought this on was…"Gil hesitated, he knew this special fantasy was dear to Nick, but after a moment he answered truthfully, "I think it was the satin sheets…"

To Gil's great surprise Nick's body relaxed behind him. "That's a good thing then, love, because that can be helped." Nick said, never stopping his soothing caress. "If you want, we can change the bed right now. Or we could wait 'till tomorrow if that's alright with you. But one thing's for sure, tomorrow we will burn those damn sheets. No fantasy is important enough for me to risk hurting you."

Gil smiled a relieved little smile and turned around in Nick's arms, to claim his lover's lips in a soft kiss. "Thank you, Nicky! Tomorrow is fine by me. I don't think I'll have another bad dream tonight. But, how about some … distraction before we go back to sleep?" he then mumbled, his hands sneaking between Neck's legs.

"I think that can be arranged," he heard Nick whisper before all coherent thought slipped from his mind.

A/N: Blackstone Aviary really does exist. I found it by randomly searching the net, the name was used without permission.


End file.
